how is is that i feel more and more and more tired everyday.
its not that things arent going as planned but i dont have the energy to keep up with what ive set to do. which sounds really vague probably. no one reads this anyway i think so whatever.

i was finally let into my dads apartment yesterday to pick up some of my old stuff and i almost fell over when i set foot in there. it was so awful. you know like those houses of people who have major hoarder issues you see on TLC. like that. exactly like that.
i took pictures of everything but i dont have the gall to show them anywhere. why would i, my dads ex girlfriend still lives there so that would be unfair to her.
its just insane seeing the place i grew up in turn into a total dump.
i felt pretty uneasy there just from the amount of stuff that was in that house but also when i entered the bathroom there was like a mouldy rank smell and after we left my mom couldnt stop coughing for at least a few minutes. so i cant imagine what its like to live in there.
my brother was there to let us in and i asked him if it didnt bother him to be in a place like that but he said he just comes there to sleep for work sometimes, because its closerby, and "when im asleep my eyes are closed anyway".
what the fuck
what the fucking fuck. jackass
praying for his health that he doesnt catch lung fungus or something.

i was planning on taking some of my stuff home but i just couldnt find anything in the mess, there was just way too much to go through so i just took one of my teddybears that i got from my dad when i was born and my highschool backpack and one of my dads beanies from his wardrobe and booked it again.
i just hope i never have to set foot in there again.

oh and im thinking of quitting my business, i have to think on it a little longer but its inevitable.

got home from work two hours ago and im tireddd but i might get around to finishing some art i wanted to do for a friend in need (i might also not. we'll see)

lately im thinking a lot about which direction i want to take next with my life/art carreer.
initially i wanted to fully focus on doing more conventions and getting the ball rolling on online shop and patreon and allat but the more im thinking about it the less i want to go through with it.
its just.... draining.
i dont know..
i have half a mind of just fully quitting conventions and pulling the plug on my business for maybe a year so i can go goof off and focus on creating my webcomic and visual novel which is something i actually want to spend a LOT more time on but with con prep and tax apps and all the rest looming over me i just..dont get around to those.
i dont know i dont know i dont knowwww
i think ill do something like a middle grounds between the two and just stay in the local con lineups like facts/MIA (bc those are shit to get into if once you're out of the loop) and put less effort in creating new merch so i have more time to do work on personal projects??
i think it will also help clear my mind when the dust of our divorce/inheritance case (NOT MY DIVORCE!MY PARENTS!!) has finally settled.
im so ready for it to be over.
cant imagine how my mom feels about it since shes been dealing with this case for 6 bloody years now. imagine having to continue a divorce case against your children bc your ex died.
yeah.

anyway.
i think i will slow down merch production majorly after dokomi (i kinda already have but...still)
its about time i started on that VN project. its been way overdue
(pati has been such a champ continueing to write the plot while waiting for me to crawl for under my rock and decide to finally start designing the GUI/artwork for the game bc i havent been feeling like doing it... or well artblock. (artblock?? i feel like i havent had that since maybe 2016 but maybe its that.. i dont feel blocked tho, just tired)
tired tireddtired

I decided very last minute to go the local foodtruck festival ( Gent smaakt ) today its from 8 / 5 to 12 / 5 and i had a lot of fun today so i might go back saturday to try some more food trucks that i didnt get to try today.

We started our lunch by Currychiwa 's booth and had their vegan katsu curry, which was really good! I've been wanting to pass by their restaurant for a long time and now i finally had the chance to try some of their food.
Im aware thar for the food truck festival they have to cut the portions down to be more bite sized since people want to try food from many different stands so instead of a full sized katsu cutlet our vegan katsu got two vegan nuggets instead. which werent bad but i do want to go by and try their full sized meal sometime.

We walked around some more and did a full tour of all the stands after, to see everything that was on offer and stopped by this booth that made full natural fruit gummies with zero additives, just pure fruit and vegetables.
they were definitely very different from regular candies but as someone who works in a candy shop i think its really fun to see new alternatives pop up who try to shake up the shape of food for the better.
they're a belgian owned small business called 'Tamini' you can check out their website here

We then stopped by Davai dumpling truck, everything looked really good but i can only eat so much, so i ended up going with their loaded korean dumpling BBQ bites. i found the portion quite small for the price but they were really tasty so i didnt really mind. (also very spicy, because of the sriracha on top, wouldnt reccomend if you're not into spicy food but i like my food spicy so these were great for me) overall their food was really good and i think its so fun that theyre making fully plant based dumplings, their website is also fun to flip through so go check it out! i did also see they sell pre made dumpling boxes at the local bioplanet that just opened near us so i might check those out later, though im fairly iffy about premade, frozen food.

After we finished our dumplings i made for Brouwerij Artevelde @ Gent botermarkt, where i took a short one hour workshop on making kombucha by Kim Huybrecht.
It was super informative and Kim clearly knows her stuff, she made everything clear without making the workshop lengthy or boring.
the workshop went mostly over how to effectively make kombucha from start to finish, not so much the health perks that come from kombucha, which she talks more about in a longer three hour workshop.
i also took home a jar with a starter and a scoby to start my own, which im super excited about (i fukcing love kombucha) im looking forward to experimenting with different flavours which i might also write a separate blog on when ive tried some things out.
for now its just the waiting game for my kombucha to fully ferment so i can make a new starter.
(i'm planning on making quite a lot so i'll need the entire half liter of starter that i got from the workshop to start a new batch so it might be another mont or so until i actually get to try my own kombucha.)

After the workshop we did some more shopping (some shops were open despite the holiday) and headed home.
we did stop by San Pietro Ice cream parlor before taking the train home, as per tradition.
( i come here every friday on my lunch break and i know why. ) im very iffy about ice creams and you'll never see my eating Ben and jerries (yuck) or much other ice cream brands but i have a special place in my heart for San Pietro, they have some of the best home made gelato ive ever had and always have some special flavours you won't find anywhere else, like apple and ginger, mandarin, pomgranate and lemon or avocado.
i had a scoop blood orange and a scoop ginger and rhubarb.

after finishing our sorbets we headed home. i had a lot of fun and im looking forward to going back this weekend. (apparently theres a clay fair with like pottery workshops and stuff so i might make a detour so pick up some food if i go there.)

i just realised that if i microwave my vegan pancakes for a long time (like 3 mins) they turn into like a hard crispy pancake cookie and its so good omfg. check this out. crunch deluxe (+ hi sammie )

Its may!! we're already almost halfway past the year...time is flying by so fast lately.

im going to try and get some preparations for dokomi done this coming week so i dont have to think too stress about it in june but for the most part im just trying to rest myself
ive been having a bad work-life balance and i tend to forget to do a lot of things. im not sure how to mediate that honestly, i feel like my therapist just tells me to give myself reminders and make to do lists but i just wish there was someone else who would remind me and help me do the things i tend to forget and put off because theyre hard or not fun.